Sometimes you need a good cry

Things aren't going to plan.

I was supposed to be graduating college with a bright future in front of me, and enough self confidence to tackle the most Goliath-y of Goliaths. Instead, a mere twelve days out, I feel like I've been fighting a battle - and I'm losing. I have no job. I have no money. I have no boyfriend. I have no idea what I want to do with my life (other than being a wife and mother, which obviously can't happen right now). I was supposed to have all of this at this point!

And now...well, the job. I didn't get the internship I wanted - and to some extent, thought I was sure to get. After all, hadn't I wanted it since I was a freshman? I've looked at some other internships - there's an amazing one in Ireland, but I wouldn't be back for graduation, and I want to walk. There's a two-year-long one with one of the top stables in the world - but part of the time you're in Dubai, and even though you're employed by the top guy there, and under his protection, I'd rather not be in that area right now. I was looking at another one, but they've stopped doing it since then. So no internships for Kate.

I feel like I should take a leap - like I should move someplace entirely new. It would be good for me - it would help me figure out who I'm supposed to be. And it would help banish some of the memories I've been fighting - maybe. But I don't know. I want to take that leap - it's going to be thrilling. But I'm not sure that there aren't rocks below. What if I jump off this cliff, the one of safety and home and people who love me, only to dash myself on the ground below?

Money. I hate asking my family for money. It's always tight around Christmas anyway. But I've got hardly anything. How am I supposed to leap when I can't afford to do it financially?

Boyfriend. I discovered the nice thing about having one was that there was someone there, on my side, in the battle of me versus the universe. And that's something I crave more than anything else. I'm so tired of being lonely. I know God has plans for me, but I wish He'd give me an idea of what they were, because I need someone to help me fight. I love my friends, but they just aren't the same.

And the whole issue of what do I do with my life. What an issue. I love horses - but honestly, I don't think I want to make a career with them. They're a passion for me, and I would like to keep them that way. If I turn them into a career, I'm afraid I'll become jaded. I love to teach - but what would I teach? I could take the test and become certified as a teacher, but I don't think it's an environment I'd do well in. And I don't want to teach agriculture. If I've learned anything in the last four years, it's that "aggies" are kids who can't/don't want to see that the world is bigger and better than anyone can imagine. They don't want to believe that there are a billion possibilities out there. They don't believe in expanding their minds, learning just for the sake of learning. I like to sing, and I like to act - but I don't think I'm good enough to do it professionally. I like to design websites, but I know I'm not good enough to do it professionally. I like to write, but I don't think I could make a living of it. I know I have tremendous potential - but for what?

I know God has a plan for my life - I hope He bothers to share it with me at some point.