That time of year

It's officially December 31, the last day of the year. Within twenty-four hours, 2009 will be gone forever, which means this is the point where I look back on my life over the last year.

It's been an interesting year, and I think 2010 will be as well. This year saw a lot of changes to me as a person, and I think my personal growth has been huge - kind of like when I was thirteen and I grew six inches, only this is more spiritual and not physical.

The main thing is that God decided I wasn't listening, I guess - at least, it felt like He decided that it was time to get serious and start making me learn my lessons. I know it feels like I bring everything back to horses sometimes, but when the year began, I was a wild one - bucking and twisting and grabbing the bit in my teeth and doing my best to take control of my own life, and make the things that I wanted happen. I eventually realized this wasn't a good idea - I was just causing myself to be stressed out, panicked, worried, etc. Somewhere around September, the lesson finally hit home - I had to stop fighting and put my trust in God. I'm now living at home, with no job, and no idea what I want to do - the situation I was the most worried about. And I'm okay with it. It's finally hit my stupid little brain that God's got control of my life, and He knows what He's doing a lot better than I do. I made a sign for my room in early October - "God has two lessons for you: patience and trust. Learn them!" I know I still have a long way to go, but I think I'm going to get there.

I finished my college career. The thought saddens me, really. Still. I know that God's going to give me something wonderful to do (I've really been thinking and praying about one position I applied for - applications don't close till the 8th, but there's a good chance I can get it and I think I could really enjoy it and do some good). I miss so many things about CofO though; well, okay, my friends, my professors, my view, and my shower. And honestly? Some of the cafeteria food. The polenta with the mushroom sauce, or the cactus and shrimp soup, were actually pretty good, and where am I supposed to get those now?! They don't exactly sell cactus at Wal-Mart. At least, not the edible kind.

I think one of the best things was the one I tripped over when I was unloading my car the night I came home: my dog Lucy. I really need to get some pictures of her. She's young (I'm guessing about ten months to a year, probably on the lower end of that spectrum), brilliant (she knew her name in three days. THREE DAYS), part German Shepherd (I've loved German Shepherds ever since I met my friends' two, Sable and Roman), and just everything I could ask for in a dog. I've wanted a dog of my own so badly since I was 15, and we gave away Ranger (who was more my dog than anyone else), and I knew I'd get one when I got out of college, but I didn't expect it to be the day I got out of college! She's going to be a great companion for me when I get my own place to live, and I don't mind a bit that my plans to get an apartment in Springfield aren't feasible now - if I have a yard for her, I can plant a garden!

This was the year I discovered I truly loved to sing. And the year I discovered the sheer awesomeness that is "Wicked". If somebody had told me I'd spend over a hundred dollars and travel a total of sixteen hours to see the same play twice, I'd have said they were crazy. But it was worth every penny.

What lies ahead? I'm continuing my "leap off a cliff." There's a job out there for me, and a place of my own to live. In May I'll be with all my friends, as we walk and receive our diplomas (well, most of my friends...sorry for those who aren't graduating yet, but you will soon enough!). I wouldn't mind if this is the year I lose twenty pounds - and I think it could be. I also wouldn't mind if I met my future husband - and who knows, I might. That's the nice thing about a new year - there are millions of possibilities. Every day is a fresh beginning, a chance to make a positive impact on the world. Where will I be a year from now? Living in my own house (preferably with a nice kitchen, good yard for Lucy, high speed Internet, and excellent water pressure)? Seeing sights I thought I'd never see? Curled up with someone who loves me (and is neither my dog or my family)? How many new friends will I make? Will I be able to pursue my goal of finding a church with people that I can connect with? So many possibilities - I can't wait to see!

Sometimes you need a good cry

Things aren't going to plan.

I was supposed to be graduating college with a bright future in front of me, and enough self confidence to tackle the most Goliath-y of Goliaths. Instead, a mere twelve days out, I feel like I've been fighting a battle - and I'm losing. I have no job. I have no money. I have no boyfriend. I have no idea what I want to do with my life (other than being a wife and mother, which obviously can't happen right now). I was supposed to have all of this at this point!

And now...well, the job. I didn't get the internship I wanted - and to some extent, thought I was sure to get. After all, hadn't I wanted it since I was a freshman? I've looked at some other internships - there's an amazing one in Ireland, but I wouldn't be back for graduation, and I want to walk. There's a two-year-long one with one of the top stables in the world - but part of the time you're in Dubai, and even though you're employed by the top guy there, and under his protection, I'd rather not be in that area right now. I was looking at another one, but they've stopped doing it since then. So no internships for Kate.

I feel like I should take a leap - like I should move someplace entirely new. It would be good for me - it would help me figure out who I'm supposed to be. And it would help banish some of the memories I've been fighting - maybe. But I don't know. I want to take that leap - it's going to be thrilling. But I'm not sure that there aren't rocks below. What if I jump off this cliff, the one of safety and home and people who love me, only to dash myself on the ground below?

Money. I hate asking my family for money. It's always tight around Christmas anyway. But I've got hardly anything. How am I supposed to leap when I can't afford to do it financially?

Boyfriend. I discovered the nice thing about having one was that there was someone there, on my side, in the battle of me versus the universe. And that's something I crave more than anything else. I'm so tired of being lonely. I know God has plans for me, but I wish He'd give me an idea of what they were, because I need someone to help me fight. I love my friends, but they just aren't the same.

And the whole issue of what do I do with my life. What an issue. I love horses - but honestly, I don't think I want to make a career with them. They're a passion for me, and I would like to keep them that way. If I turn them into a career, I'm afraid I'll become jaded. I love to teach - but what would I teach? I could take the test and become certified as a teacher, but I don't think it's an environment I'd do well in. And I don't want to teach agriculture. If I've learned anything in the last four years, it's that "aggies" are kids who can't/don't want to see that the world is bigger and better than anyone can imagine. They don't want to believe that there are a billion possibilities out there. They don't believe in expanding their minds, learning just for the sake of learning. I like to sing, and I like to act - but I don't think I'm good enough to do it professionally. I like to design websites, but I know I'm not good enough to do it professionally. I like to write, but I don't think I could make a living of it. I know I have tremendous potential - but for what?

I know God has a plan for my life - I hope He bothers to share it with me at some point.